Things would be better after i blink my eyes...

today, im 14years 7month 6days and 15hours old...
hehehee... heards weird eh?
well, i just realized that being alive for 14years 7month 6days and 15hours is still not enough to learn about life..
sometimes im sad eventhough there isnt anything happening...
yup. im still a labile 14years 7month 6days and 15hours old girl...
sometimes i felt like no one cares about me, and that my existence isnt important for people near me..
everyday i use my mask,
i use this mask that can cover my sad face, my tearing eyes, my crashed heart..
and.. wow! fantastic! ive turned into a innocent sanguine girl...
a girl that is competitive, cheerful, colorful, talkative and super bright..
yeah..
this mask create this kind of me...
the me, with no worries, no pain...
and guess what? people like that kind of me!
they come to me when they are sad, to be cheered up..
yup.. only when theyre sad..
im just like an escape door for people in pain...
that wouldnt be useful when there isnt something bad happening..
sometimes im alone,
there are two options that could happen in a time like that:
one, my mask are getting thicker which means i'll lie to myself about everything
or two, my mask are getting thinner which means i'll cry and thingys like that..
but i usually pick the option one..
coz i think the rightest way to escape from pain is that ignore the pain and pretend like nothing happened..
and yeah,
thats what i do..
day by day, my mask are getting thicker and thicker..
day by day, this mask is like a drug for me..
and day by day, this mask is starting to ruin my life even more..
i can no more know what i feel..
im like a doll with a happy face..
have no heart, but always happy...
i can no longer realize happiness that is pouring on me..
happiness that my friends and family gave me to me...
yeah, im happy at that time... but, its just memories a while after that..
the mask is like preventing happiness to come and stay inside my heart...
all that i remember is the pain...
im sick of faking...
but this mask is like starting to fuse to my true self...
this mask is trying to be "my true self"
its ruining my personality..
somehow, i became a double personality..
but now,
i want to change...
i want to stop relying things to this mask..
i want to get rid of this mask together with the pain...
i want to realize how wonderful this world...
i want to be the true me, the most true of my self..
i know i might become an easy-to-cry girl..
but its ok,
coz tears are meant to be dropped..
coz tears would ruin your heart if you hide it..
and i believe, that when i get rid of my mask,
i can still become a sanguine girl..
i can still become this cheerful girl that could captivate peoples heart..
because, im enjoying to be this kind of me..
so why not?
i'll be a big girl..
a girl, that has a big tough heart...
that wont be easy to give up
that never give up on anything!
and i believe, right after i post this thing and blink my eyes..
my life would be better and i can get rid of this mask!

[SHINee] And i'll know everything in my 18th

Lee Taemin & SHINee
I don't own anything here, i knew this story from one of my friend, and she also didn't know if this story is legit or not..

~~~

You know what? Being a "maknae" isnt that easy.

Well, thats what i feel. My position now is as a maknae of a famous boyband named "SHINee".
yeah, SHINee.

Hahaha. Sometimes i laugh hearing that weird name. SHINee.
It seems too cheesy somehow. moreover the meaning of it, which is "People that shines".
Hahaha. Like, im a flashlight, eh?

From the beginning i really wanted to be a celebrity.
I like dancing. And i admited that im good at it.
Everyday i practice so that i would pass on auditions of famous talent agencies.

My parents didn't like me to dance.
"like a gay", they said.
Everytime i play songs with my battered radio in my own room, my mom always bang the door hardly until that frail door almost broke and come in. Then she'll turn off the radio and broke all my Hiphop CDs that i buyed with my own savings.
And you know what? All i do was keep silent. Oh-in addition, i also cried.
Yeah, cry.
Then i begged her.But all that my mom said is
"Stop being a gay like that! There are no boys that cries like you, you know!".

Im sick with my life at that time.
I want to move forward, I want to be rich.
Till one of big famous agencies gave me a chance to be a celebrity.
Yeah, thats the only way to break free from my excessive parents.

But the sparkling celebrity world isnt as amazing as i thought.
That world is full of lies, betrayal, and the worst is that you will be hated by all people.
Well, there are some people who likes you, but i'll tell you, those who hate you can even way more than you thought.

I got the title "maknae" or "the youngest".
Well, at first i was satisfied with that plain title, if you compare it with "Bulgogu Charisma" or "Bling Bling" or whatever, my title heard way better.
But day by day, that name become a burden for me.

I have to act cute, always look adorable and have to captivate many noona's heart.
Jh, you know what? Im not a type of cute boy like what you knew.
Im sick of being the maknae.
All other members always enslave me indirectly, and they always act like im a 7 year old boy.
Hey! I'm all grown up! at least today im already 18!

And also "those-sh**-thingy" at school.
Huh, yeah.
Bully.
Im always bullied by sunbaes at school, or students in my grade.
They said, "stop acting cute like that! so cheap!" or "you isnt as handsome as we thought".
Jh, yeah, i know im not handsome.
I know im not cute.
So what, huh?
Why everyone hates me?
What did i do?
Ive used this mask long enough.
the mask that can cover up all of my lack that can make me into a perfect namja.
Hey, come on, im also a human!

They start to threw erasers on me or other stationaries.
and i just keep silent.
yeah, i just keep silent.
I know, keeping silent is the best way to end a problem.
But it seems it didnt work for people like them.

There's a time, in my 17th birthday.
Duh, you know?
The whole Korea yelled "Saengilchukkahamnida" to me.
Yeah, I know.
I'm the nation's little brother.
SHINee members also celebrate my birthday.
But why?
Why they face looked annoyed, resentful when i blowed my birthday candle one by one?
They starred at me unhappily like saying "manager told us to". Sh**.

And at school, im so surprised when my classmates brought me a mini sized tart with 17 candles on it.
Hey, did they changed? Did they realized that im not guilty?
Hahaha, i was wrong.
After they cradle me with happiness, they threw that cake into my face.
I looked like a clown at that time, you know, eh?

And now, this time, in my 18th birthday, i saw that unhappy face again infront of me.

"Saengil chukkahamnida~ saengil chukkahamnida~ saranghaneun uri Taemin~ Saengil chukkahamnida."

Jh, fake.
all of that is fake smiles.
and what do you mean by "uri Taemin", eh?
Do you think that im yours?
i mean, is that im a slave for you, ah?

"Wish you can be more handsome."

Hah, what kind of prayer is that. more over its Minho hyung who said it.
You dont need to say that,hyung! I know that you're the most handsome in this group!
I know you dont want me, your little brother compete your handsomeness! Right?
Ok, fine. You're the most handsome, Minho hyung.
No need to do that fake prayer.

"Wish you can sing even better."

WTH is this!? What do you mean by this, Jjong Hyung? Wanna quip me, eh? yeah yeah yeah, i know im not good at singing. My voice isnt good and i cant hit notes rightly and of course isnt good to hear. Of course way way worse than your golden voice, right hyung? I admit that your voice is the best, so you dont have to pray for me so i can sing better, because i wont ever be able to compete with your high pitch voice.

"Wish you can iron your own uniform"

Key hyung? yeah, i know. Im not smart. Im not patient, never as patient as you. All i can do is giving my fake smile in front of those cameras and act cute. While you can do anything. Cook, wash clothes, iron clothes, rap, sing, dance. Yes you're almighty, i admit it. I know im just a useless kid that can only burden you with things like those damn sh** school uniforms, i exactly knew and realized that im just a burden here. And your words... you want me to quit right? so that i'll try to look for a new partner who is as useless as me, someone that couldnt iron their uniforms like me.

"Wish you could be a smart and intellect kid"

Huh, i knew it without you saying it, Onew hyung. I knew that you're smart, genius, got the second rank, or what... While me? Yeah, im just a stupid kid that cant do anything. Have you heard that my Science is the second highest in a pararel? Jh. thats a lie. Its only a way to manipulate netizens so they will be amazed and think "wow, Lee Taemin is a smart boy na..". Yeah yeah yeah, i know you are way smarter than me, hyung. I know behind your dorky-ness there are millions of matureness and intellegence that i completely dont have. So you dont have to lie like that. You dont want my brain to be smarter than yours right?

"Taeminnie~ come on blow the candles~"

No need to use -nie after my name like that, hyung. I know you hate to say that too.

I moved forward a step with a happy face. This fake smile appears again. Hahaha, forcefully. U know what? my birthday will be aired on TV and i have to look as kind as possible before my anti-fans who said that theyre sick of my mushroom hair increased.

"Pheeewwww~"

at last. at last those colorful candles that were arranged on the pretty chocolate cake has gotten off. Hmm, the cake looks delicious. But after i imagined those fakeness again, in a second, that cake turns into a clod of mud licked by pigs.

"Saengil chukkahamnida, Taemin-ah~"

They hugged me. extremely tight. I couldnt see their expression at this time. I didn't know either they hugged me truthfully or just making my thin body even more flat and the whole Korea will ask me to eat more?

"Wish you could be more mature as a man and recognize your own self."

The four hyungs whisper vague sentences to my ear. Own self.

Yeah, I havent recognize my own self.

You know, im just a 18 years old boy that is trapped in a sparkling world who never even thought how scary this world before.
Who never even know how much risk i'll got because of it.
And never know how hard to go through it.

But now, I know.

"We're sure you knew it, Taemin-ah. We never enslave you, or act like you're a kid, or things like that. We also never fake ourselfs infront of you-"

"-we just want you to know, that we love you the way you are. we loved you as Lee Taemin that isnt fake. Lee Taemin that could be not too cute, that isnt that good at singing, Lee Taemin that couldn't even iron his own clothes-"

"-we loved you truthfully because you are a part of us..."

"Dont ever think that me didnt need you. Well, we knew all that you thought, Lee Taemin. From your expressions, your gestures.. Come on, you're just a 17 years old boy thats so easy to understand."

"But... do you know? Do you know this, Lee Taemin? We're uncomplete without you."

And now i know.

That all this time im just a labile kid that havent understand the world properly.

That all this time im just a selfish little kid and full of prejudice.

At last, I realized, that all weird thoughts about you is just a suspicion from a 17 years old kid.

And i'll throw away all of that negative thoughts that always crossed my mind.

Because now, im not a 17 years old SHINee's Taemin, an innocent and cute nation's little brother anymore

But now, im Lee Taemin.
an 18 years old matured man
who will start to go through the REAL LIFE...

source:
-Dhiinda Shawol Elf- @ facebook